Cultivating and working on our relationships is extremely important. After all, our relationships have a lot to do with our happiness. You can have all the money in the world, you can have your health, you can have great opportunities in front of you, but if you don't have good relationships, you're not going to enjoy your life very much. I know people that are successful in business. They've done great in their careers, but their personal life is miserable. They can't get along with other people. One of the keys to having good relationships is to show respect. Be considerate. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. I've found most of the time, it's not the big things that keep people back in relationships; it's just the small things. If we will be willing to make minor adjustments; very often, we'll see major improvements.
I believe part of being respectful and considerate is to learn to be a good listener. Being a good listener is extremely important in our relationships with our loved ones, and it speaks volumes about the way we feel about them. We need to make sure we're not sending mixed messages.
For example, when people are talking to you, do you make them feel rushed, hurried, like they're bothering you? You know, fidgeting, tapping your fingers, backing away. If so, that communicates disapproval.
Instead, when people talk to you, give them your undivided attention. Look them in the eyes and have an interest in what they're saying. These days we're so busy and there are so many distractions, so much multi-tasking going on. If we're not careful, we'll find we're really only halfway listening. When somebody is trying to talk to you and you've got the computer on or the TV or you're preoccupied with something else, that's sending the wrong message. Learn to stop what you're doing, pause a few minutes, and give them your undivided attention.
Probably two or three times a day my children come in to say hello or tell me something. I used to be so caught up in my work and so determined to stay on schedule, I would do just the opposite of stopping, pausing, and giving my undivided attention. I would acknowledge them, but I'd just keep on working away. Every once in a while I'd say, "Uh huh, yes," just halfway listening. But one day I realized that's sending them the wrong message. With my words I'm saying, "I hear you. I'm listening." But with my actions I'm communicating, "I'm busy. You're bothering me." Now I've learned to just take a two-minute break, look them in the eyes, and give them every ounce of energy that I can. I want to communicate to them not just through my words, but through my actions, "You're important to me. I've always got time for you. You're extremely valuable." Our children are a lot more perceptive than we may think. They know when we're halfway listening. They know when we're hurrying them along. Don't send that kind of message to the people around you.
You see, there's a difference between hearing and listening. We can hear a lot of things, but when we're really listening, we're fully engaged and wanting to hear. This means when people are talking to you, don't interrupt them. Let them finish their thoughts. You may already know what they're going to say. You may have already heard the story. But you know what? That's okay. Be considerate and let them finish anyway. Maybe somebody asks you a question and you know the answer in the first five seconds. There's that tendency to jump in there and cut them off, "Here, let tell you what to do." Instead, just be respectful and let them finish. It's not only part of being considerate, but it makes them feel good. I've had people explain things to me, maybe ask me to pray about a situation and they go on and on. I know exactly what they're talking about, but I've realized it's important that I hear what they want me to hear. When you take time to listen, it just shows that you care; it shows that you're concerned.
Do you know how many people have told me a joke that I've heard four hundred and seventy times? I could easily say, "Well, I've heard that one before." But instead, I give them the joy of telling it again, and I laugh like it was the first time I ever heard it.
Some people have gotten into a bad habit of finishing people's sentences for them. If a person pauses for half a second waiting for a word, they jump right in there and take over. I've been guilty of finishing a story that Victoria starts so many times! And there have even been times where she's telling someone else a story, but because I think I can do it better or because she leaves out one little detail, I jump in and take over. But now I've learned even though I can do it better, I need to let her do it. I'm just kidding. But in all seriousness, I've learned to be patient and give her respect by allowing her to finish her thoughts and stories from now on.
My personality type doesn't like to know all the details. If I miss an hour meeting, I like somebody to give me a thirty-second overview. I don't want to know all the how's and why's; I just want the bottom line. Well, Victoria is exactly the opposite. So when she tells me something, she gives me all the details, all the hidden meanings, what the people were wearing, what they had for lunch, what kind of mood they were in, what their cousin's uncle said. We're just different. It's easy for me to want to be selfish and think, "I don't want to hear all that. Just give me the quick version." But I've realized that's important to her. And so when she's explaining something to me, I make myself relax and be at ease knowing that taking time to hear the details is adding value to our relationship. I may only want a thirty-second overview, and for some people in my life that may be okay, but if I'm going to give Victoria what she needs. I've got to adapt and take the time to listen; it communicates volumes to her that I care.
When people are talking to you, don't make them feel rushed, hurried, like they're bothering you. By your body language you're saying, "I don't have time for you. You're bothering me." I believe if you will make a small change in how you listen to those important to you in your life, your relationships will get better and you will see major improvements. Our relationships are extremely important and valuable. Learn to make this minor adjustment, and you will see your relationships improve.
JOEL OSTEEN
Joel Osteen is pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas – a vibrant and diverse church that Forbes calls the largest and fastest–growing congregation in America. Joel shares a positive message of hope and encouragement that extends all around the world. This message reaches all across America and 100 nations of the world. Joel's books, Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You, quickly became #1 New York Times Bestsellers and are distributed worldwide in several languages.