One of the biggest temptations there is in marriage is to try and make your spouse more like yourself. Too often we try to fit them into our mold and make them just like us. We think, "If they would just change, then I wouldn't get upset. If they would just do it the way I want, then they wouldn't get on my nerves." But it's actually just the opposite. We are to give people room to become who God created them to be. Life is too short to spend it trying to fix everybody, especially our spouses. Sure we should encourage them and help them grow and come up higher, but we have to come to the point where we step back and say, "All right. This is who God made them to be, and I'm going to accept them just like they are."
After all, God brought our spouse into our life to compliment us and to bring a certain flavor that makes our life more interesting. But if we view these differences in a negative light and allow them to annoy us, then our life will not be nearly as fulfilled as it could be, and we can allow a wedge to grow in our relationship.
As long as I've known Victoria, she's always been a great driver. She's never had an accident; never gotten a ticket. But one thing she does used to really bother me. When she's driving down the freeway, instead of keeping the car in the center of the lane, she lines up her right tires close to the right stripe in the road. And of course, when I'm the passenger that means I'm the one closest to the other cars. When I look out the window and see that eighteen-wheeler, I think to myself, "I have never noticed those little pinstripes like that before." That tells me we're too close. For probably ten years, every time I would ride with her, I'd go through my same speech. "Victoria, you need to keep the car in the center of the lane. It's dangerous over here," and go on and on. Victoria would always move over. She would do her best to please me. But five minutes later, she would gravitate right back to where she was. I'd get all uptight again. "Please, Victoria. Move the car over. I would like to see my grandchildren."
I was focused on that one little quirk. I used to think that it was my assignment in life to straighten her out and teach her to drive just like I drive. And so I had her on my potter's wheel. I was making her and molding her into who I thought she should be. One day it dawned on me - that's not my job; that's God's job. I'm not the potter. It was like a light turned on. I heard God saying, "Joel, you can get in the car for the next 80 years and try to change her, but she's not going to change. You can lighten up and let her be who I made her to be, or you can spend all your time frustrated and upset trying to change her." That day I made a decision to just leave it alone. After all, she's never had an accident, and I've had two. She's never had a ticket, and I've had a few!
I know if Victoria was just like me, our home would not be nearly as much fun. Because I'm so organized and structured, I can do the same thing the same way again and again. But Victoria is very spontaneous. She keeps our house fresh and fun and exciting, and I appreciate that about her.
I've learned you've got to focus on a person's strengths and learn to make allowances for their weaknesses. Every one of us has specific strengths, and there are things that we're very good at. A lot of times, it may be different than our own strengths. On the flip side, every person has little quirks and peculiar things that can get on our nerves if we let it, but we have be bigger than that to where we overlook those things and focus on their good qualities. Realize that just because they're not like you doesn't mean they're wrong. They're just different.
I know a lady who lives to try to change her husband. She's very outgoing. She loves being around people, loves being at social events. But her husband is just the opposite. He'd much rather be at home alone with his family than out with a bunch of people. And for years this has frustrated her. That's all she focuses on, "If I can just get my husband to come out of his shell. If I can just get him to be a little more outgoing, then we'll really be happy, then we'll start enjoying our life." But sometimes, that's just not who that other person is. If you're constantly trying to change him, you're going to be frustrated. Not only that, you'll start to resent him. This is a misplaced expectation. You have to accept the fact that's who they are. And if you're going to be happy, you have to adapt and make adjustments. You cannot expect them to be something that they are not.
One of the best things I've learned is God did not bring the people into my life for me to make them just like me. God wants us to be different. That's why we have different personalities, different strengths, different hobbies, and different looks. If we're going to be happy, we've got to learn how to appreciate the differences and not let the little things that we don't like irritate us and cause us to become resentful toward that person. They may do some things that get on your nerves, but always remember, there are a few things you do that get on their nerves. Nobody is perfect. If we're going to be in relationship with people and enjoy it, we've got to be willing to overlook some things. Just because they don't have your same strengths doesn't mean they are subpar. They're just different.
Our assignment is not to fix our spouse. Our assignment is to love one another as Christ loves us. When you're tempted to focus on those little quirks, remember all of the reasons you fell in love with your wife or husband in the first place. And thank God for those reasons and for the blessing of even having a spouse. As you focus on what you're grateful for and see how your spouse's personality and strengths bring flavor to your relationship, you will be amazed how your love and admiration for one another increases in ways you've never imagined.
JOEL OSTEEN
Joel Osteen is pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas – a vibrant and diverse church that Forbes calls the largest and fastest–growing congregation in America. Joel shares a positive message of hope and encouragement that extends all around the world. This message reaches all across America and 100 nations of the world. Joel's books, Your Best Life Now and Become a Better You, quickly became #1 New York Times Bestsellers and are distributed worldwide in several languages.