A few years ago, I thought that lunchtime would be the perfect opportunity to sit down and spend time with my husband, Joel. That was great Monday through Wednesday. Thursday, however, is the day he writes his messages; and when I would sit down to join him, I noticed he was not very talkative. He never said anything to me about it, but I could tell by his actions that he didn't really want any company. He would finish his lunch and go back to his office to continue working on the message he was preparing to present that weekend.
After this happened a few times, I realized that Joel didn't enjoy talking during Thursday lunches because he wanted to keep his mind on his message and not lose his focus. If I had not been in the habit of studying Joel and trying to learn about what's important to him, I could have easily become offended by his lack of interest in conversation during lunch. I could have started saying things like, "You never make time for me" or "You never consider my feelings." I could have allowed myself to take offense at the way he was treating me. But that wouldn't have accomplished anything; and frankly, it would not have been true. Joel is marvelously thoughtful and loving toward me, which is why he didn't want to hurt my feelings by telling me he would rather eat lunch alone on Thursdays.
Not only did I realize that he did not want company for lunch on Thursdays, but I knew there was no point in getting upset or trying to change the situation; it wasn't about what I needed, it was about he needed. So I stopped coming down to eat with him on Thursdays and didn't make a big deal about it. Joel noticed, though, and he told me later how much he appreciated the way I showed respect for him and his time.
It wasn't that big of a deal for me to give up those lunchtime talks-especially since they were usually quite short-but it was a huge deal to him. It showed Joel that I honored him, and I was willing to adapt to what he needed.
Scripture says to live considerately. You have to consider the other people in your life. Study them and make the necessary adjustments so you can have healthy relationships. For example, when your spouse comes home after a long day at work and driving in rush-hour traffic, don't just hand the kids over to him when he walks in the door and tell him you are going to the mall. Wait until he is able to relax and get settled, and then let him know you need to run some errands. Better yet, if you will let him know in advance and plan it into your schedules, it can make a huge difference for both of you.
When I've had a busy day and need some time to recharge, Joel can usually sense it. He'll take the kids out to dinner or to their cousins' house so I can have some time to myself. He knows that I like to take a hot bubble bath or get my nails done or simply escape to the mall for a while. It's amazing what an hour at the mall will do for a woman!
Joel is the same way. He needs to unwind as well, although when he wants to relax and recharge his batteries, he likes to sit in his big chair in the bedroom and watch Wheel of Fortune. Quite often, when he wants to get his mind off things, he plays outside with the kids or plays a game of basketball with some of the guys.
We have to be willing to give our spouses what they need, which may not necessarily be what we need. When I need to be refreshed, Joel doesn't tell me to go play kickball in the backyard with the kids. He doesn't say, "That's what I do, so you should do it, too." In a similar way, when he needs to clear his mind, the last thing I would suggest to him is to go to the mall! Joel and I know how important it is to be considerate of each other's needs, so we make every effort to study and adapt to each other.
When you take the time to study your husband or wife and learn their ways, you will have more opportunities to spend quality time with them. Remember those lunches with Joel? Now I have a standing lunch date with him on a day when he is free to focus his full attention on me. I gave up a little and gained a lot!
It may take time to learn and understand the needs of your spouse, but if you will make the effort and be patient, it usually ends up working out to your advantage.
Victoria Osteen
A life–long Houstonian, Victoria began her career in her family's business. Now as a supportive wife, mother of two children and a co-pastor of Lakewood Church in Houston, TX, Victoria is an inspiration and mentor to women everywhere. She is committed to helping women, children and families discover their purpose and reach their highest potential in Christ.